Feelings…. run deep

I look down and there’s no longer a ring on my finger, no hand on my knee when driving, no arms around my waist whilst riding, no smiles, no warm greetings – nothing. 

I realise that their plan was not my plan, and I was comprehensively scammed and lied to for more than 4 years

I finally realise just how evil some people really are, how conniving and sad.

The last quarter of my life, which I thought I would live in a beautiful relationship, has been ripped from me, together with a large part of my heart, mind, and soul.

Firstly there’s denial that it went so pear-shaped so quickly. Of course there is shock, and I have become anxious because the mantra of “together forever” still rings in my head day after day.

Then there is the “bargaining” with reason that haunts me as I realise I was too much in love to see the faults, the cracks, the lies, the misrepresentations. 

There is guilt about my own role. 

What could I have done differently or better?  My friends say “nothing” – you were scammed, pure and simple – they are, in a dozen countries across the planet – shocked to the core, incredulous. 

Then comes the crushing exhaustion and concomitant depression from the sleepless nights and the constant replaying of scenarios and how they played out.  The periods of complete numbness where there is nothing that gives me pleasure or joy and I  fear I am losing my mind. 

Eureka moments where I realise that I was actually the better person – that I loved and gave my all, unconditionally.  

Realising again that I was scammed because I let down my guard. 

Once these emotions have diminished, anger rises. It’s righteous anger because despite the lies and false allegations, I am innocent of all of which I am maliciously accused. 

There is nothing louder than the cries of the truly innocent. 

So now there are a series of events, all within the strict boundaries of the laws of this country, and having been run by legal counsel, that have started.

There is always a price to pay for lying, for grand deception and being an outright thief. Karma is in play, and sometimes, if you are lucky, she will let you watch as natural justice is served. 

Then, and only then, will I adopt the final stage of grief – acceptance.